Right then you set of CrossFit wankers, what we have for you is only the finest pieces of functional fitness from around the globe. You tell your mates to start coming to us yeah, we'll make it worth your while.
Creeping in from a dodgy Rotherham back street are the snatch’s and back squats. 2 reps every 25 seconds at 70% for the snatch followed by a 2rm then 3 x 4 back squats. Don’t be fooled mother Theresa is in town and she’s a wrong’un! She’s says you owe her money and she’s going to f£&k your legs up!
We’re training you a lot on pull-ups so you can wrestle the muggers off you in town. Rotherham is known to have some of the finest and well bread criminals this side of the northern border and they’ve got the stamina too. Don’t worry, we’ve got your back. Two sweaty wod’s, one long 20-minute test and 1 short but sweet, training you up for that final sprint when their mates come.
Scare tactics today, shoulder press to give you that massive v shape so nobody fucks with you. If that fails were doing some clean and jerk so you can pick up an old lady then body slam her with your finest serial killer face. I wouldn’t fuck with you. Then the next session should in theory breeze through without any issues. A quick triplet sprint chipper for three rounds. Calorie row, deadlifts and box jumps.
Taking a break from the heavy bang bang boom boom of weights, today opens up with 14.1, a couplet of double under’s and power snatch’s. The plan is by the end of this session, you are as pale as a ghost, so we have put the workout in, the ghost!
Deadlift is the best exercise for picking up dead muggers so this is where we will begin, and to really make you a pro once you have them in the body bag we’ve added in a clean complex. You can thank us after the trial. If none of this aggressive defence action works Gandhi is coming in to teach you the art of passive resistance, after all he defeated the British empire from just wearing bed sheets and fasting, I’m not sure it would have stopped Hitler though, so keep doing CrossFit just in case.
So, knowledge bomb dropped, you’re getting fit and taking self-defence classes in one fowl swoop.
Peace out CrossFitter’s,
The CFR Crewwwwwwwwww